i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
