1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Randomize
