his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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