let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
