I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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