my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
