I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
