I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
