I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
