i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
