I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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