he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
