Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
