3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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