My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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