My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
dude. I can hear the air.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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