its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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