i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
