He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
