Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Randomize
