i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
