And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
