Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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