So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
