You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
