i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
