Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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