I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
