Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
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I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
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ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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