I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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