I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Randomize
