Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
