so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
