i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
