Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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