Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
