I can text with my tongue
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
