i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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