cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
