I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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