We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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