He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
