Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
