Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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