when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Randomize
