I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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