I'm lost and stupid without you.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
