I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
