three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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