I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Randomize
