I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
