Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
