I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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