i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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