apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
That reminds me...we need to get swords
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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