I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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