I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
