I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
