The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
