just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
