No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Randomize
